Wampum

No More Than We Can Handle

Dr. Manhattan of Blissful Knowledge, a fellow POA, finds little consolation when people acknowledge his family’s situation by saying, "God only gives people what they can handle."

Many people of a certain religious sensibility commonly react to news of an ongoing or long-term tragedy by reassuring the unlucky party that "God only gives people what they can handle."

I know it a) is meant as a compliment, b) is the messy result of when the laudable desire to console meets the unconsolable, and c) may even be true on some level. But - coming from another person - it is also a selfish response: The person reacting thusly does so because he or she is unable to confront the reality without giving a reason, no matter how inapt. The "answer" may work for someone uninvolved with the situation on a daily basis, but here's a tip: it doesn't work so well for those who have to live with it. As such, it's about consoling the consoler.

Taken literally, the statement is patently untrue. If we assume that events are orchestrated by God, what are we to make of Pat Cooper? She was the mother of Torrence Cantrell, an eight year old autistic boy who died during a religious ceremony intended to drive the “demon” of autism from his body. It seems likely that Ms. Cooper turned to the Faith Temple Apostolic Church of Milwaukee, Wisconsin because she did not feel she had any other options. Ms. Cooper held her son down while a “minister” lay across Torrence’s body, crushing his chest and preventing the child from drawing breath. The child died of asphixiation. Ms. Cooper was given more than she could handle.

The prevalence of suicide, divorce, murder, and depression all suggest that lots of people are given more than they can handle.

That said, I take no offense when I am told that God does not give us more than we can handle. As Doctor Manhattan correctly notes, it is a well intentioned effort “to console” the “unconsolable.” It affirms that the speaker understands that our situation is difficult and helps them feel more comfortable. That is a good thing, perhaps the best possible result, as nothing that can be said will make our situation better and there is no point in making others uncomfortable.

Dr. Manhattan is also correct that it is meant as a compliment. It is meant to convey that the speaker admires the way we have coped with difficulty and to reassue us that we will continue to be able to cope.

While I appreciate the compliment, I wonder if it is deserved. There have been many occasions when I have had more than I can handle at the moment. I do not know how single parents of severely autistic kids manage. There are two of us. When one can no longer handle the moment, we have a back up. I cannot even recall the number of times when one of us has saved the other from a complete collapse.

Whenever I am told that God has not given me more than I can handle, I silently and fearfully add the word “yet.”

Posted by Dwight Meredith at April 18, 2005 10:11 PM | TrackBack